When I Pretend Not to Feel
What is the loudest voice in your head? “Blood”. Hellen responded wholeheartedly. “Life is full of magic,” she mused during our walk. I glanced at her. She mused further, “I’m going to say goodbye to my womb”. I kept my head down and for a moment, I could feel she was relieved. I’ve witnessed her struggle as a fertile woman to pass on her bloodline. It’s almost a decade ago that this conversation took place. And she still shares her wisdom with me.
The first time I met Hellen, we were at the information meetings for the aspiring adoptive parents. At that time, I already had several miscarriages. After a long and tough admission procedure, we both decided not to proceed with the adoption process for different reasons. Our process is intertwined that at some unexpected point along with this project something which we thought that is already dissolved is ignited. Because, how do you mourn someone you never hold? And when do you know that you are done with mourning? I guess we need to accept the uncertainty that arises every now and then.
All uncertainty is fruitful… so long as it’s accompanied by the wish to understand.
—Antonio Machado, Juan de Mairena
And I still try to understand…to give some sense to my past, to free the present.
This project is part of a long-term project which among others raises the theme of how a person rises up and chooses another form to fill life after the old form is no longer an option.